• Tessa Hull

The Lockdown Covid-19 Chronicles

Updated: May 5

Below is the collection of Quarantine Diaries outlining my day trapped in the house with my hyperactive Italian boyfriend. These all come from my Facebook feed and have been providing great entertainment for everyone (except me) during the time of the Coronavirus Pandemic 2020. These started as a bit of fun, and an unofficial gratitude diary - if I could find something humorous in the day, then it was easier to feel more positive. Bit by bit, the diaries became more popular, and people started commenting that it was their highlight too. So I kept posting, because I think everyone needs a little positivity at the moment. Lockdown is a completely unprecedented problem, that people can't prepare for, and the effect it has had on public health has been extreme. Your mental health is as much of a priority as your physical health. In these tough time, find the small moments, the little things to make you smile...and accept that you don't need to be a super hero all the time. It's totally normal to feel like you're losing your mind right now. Just know when it's time to reach out and ask for help.

Anyway, enough of that. After posting every day for three weeks starting from the 8th day, I've got some loyal fans (hi Helen) and I had several requests to put the posts here they are! The Corona Chronicles of Tess and Andrea for your eyeball pleasure. They'll update as my facebook does - so they go from new to old. Enjoy - please like and share, and connect me with me on social media to let me know what you think!

Day 56

Hi kids. Here we are.

- Yesterday Andrea said he needed to rinse out the food bin. I agreed. He then got really dramatic and started to tell me how bad it smells. According to Andrea it smelt like “a cow”. I said ok yeah. Then he said “a cow on a bicycle” and I was like sorry what and all he said was “yes imagine how bad that would smell”. I don’t know what part the bicycle plays in this!

- he tipped the entire coffee machine drain tray on the floor today and appeared not to notice. How, and I mean HOW does a man who vacuums crumbs off me while I’m still eating not care when he tips brown gross liquid on a ceramic floor. He’s a walking contradiction. - Highlight of the day: we do enjoy a little afternoon sofa nap, and today he proudly told me that he has a “neck like a tripod” because he can put his head in any position and “can turn in different directions” - who wants to tell him that’s how most people’s heads and necks work too? Bye kids love you all

Day 55 -

Hello friends. Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.

- Not much to report today. Andrea has bought some timer thing that rotates his camera really slowly so it follows the stars while taking long exposure photographs. It’s thrilling to hear about, but not as thrilling as the fact that it has a class alarm bell on it when it ends it’s rotation, which is exactly what I enjoy while trying to relax at night.

- In other distractions, we have a hanging plant that I’ve wanted putting up in the bathroom for several weeks. I’ve shown a Andrea several times over the course of several weeks where I would like it to go. Today he proudly showed me how he had put it up entirely incorrectly. When I pointed that out he asked me to show him again. Then again. Then again one more time. He and the plant are both dead now. - He sold his drone “googles” today (he means goggles, but for some reason he can’t remember that) and the only box he had that would fit them for postage was one his sister had, a bulk Pampers box. Andrea decided he couldn’t deliver them in a Pampers box because people would think he was posting nappies (and apparently that’s a problem) so he literally took the box apart, turned it inside out and then taped it back together again. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. - highlight: watching him replace a transformer and then literally pat him self on the back and tell me “my god but how am I so clever” That kinda self confidence is what every body needs in life. Bye kids, love you all.

Day 54 -

- We have had numerous language issues today, but some personal favorites include him announcing that he wants a baby LEYOHPIRD (leopard) and (the best) absolute excitement last night when he believed he caught on camera “OOHFOHS” (or “ughfohs” or “ewfohs” unsure of spelling)

- Some detective work required today as we started Money Heist on Netflix and it blew his mind that it was in parts and not in series. He spent a good two mins scrolling up and down the episodes before asking me where he was meant to start playing from. Part one, episode one Andrea. Genius.

- Lizard hunting continues as today he made me come outside to look at the “dragon”. I came to look, and it disappeared, but having spent time in the Caribbean I was expecting a rather large lizard. After some questioning he told me that this dragon lizard lives only in the dark and he thinks in English it’s like a “gay-co” (which is the Italian word as well, geco). So not a dragon lizard. A gecko. Highlight of the day: he’s been doing mindset work with me and I’ve been focussing on money mindset and gratitude and now anytime anything happens to us that’s vaguely positive Andrea throws both hands in the air and yells “abundance!” It’s my favourite. Bye kids, love you all. Wishing you a weekend of 🙌🏻 ABUNDANCE

Day 53 -

Not the end of lockdown. Just the end of Andrea.

- Our water switched off late last night, and after looking at the pump outside in the dark with a torch, Andrea was still no clearer on the problem. I told him it’s not urgent, let’s wait til morning and we will figure it out. Cue two hours later in bed, Andrea still pondering out loud the reasons that it could have broken. When I said it doesn’t matter, he said it did because of the flush, because (and I quote) “what happens if there’s only enough water for the pee flush and not the poo flush” and it kills me that that’s what he calls the two “lengths” of the flush.

- While pondering the reasons for the water pump breaking he suddenly became overwhelmed with everything wrong in the house and made me get out of the bed to straighten the sheets, and wanted to measure the shelf and the walls to see if it was off center. Exactly what you want at 2am. - ALSO, he did something and referred to himself as a hero and I said “you’re Batman” and he turned on me, OUTRAGED, and yelled “YOU’RE buttmunch” . Time for a hearing test and less sugar I think - highlight of the day: Small typo moment as I almost posted on my business Instagram account that “I am dreaming of farting my own podcast” and honestly the thought of that has me cry-laughing every time

Day 52 -

- The bare feet movement continues, as Andrea suddenly sat up and started to put his shoes on, and I asked where he was going and he said “the bathroom” and before I could query further he said “I don’t want to pee on my feet”. Well neither do I, but I don’t need shoes on to ensure that.

- I was disturbed from a nice little afternoon nap by banging on the window today. Turns out he’s been “lizard hunting” which involves essentially making a weird noose leash out of grass and catching said lizard, proudly demanding a photo from me with said lizard, then having said lizard bite him at least three times while he tries to release it. Lord help me.

- Highlight of the day: HIs reaction to a spot of classical music. I also have him playing air violin. Like air guitar but classier

Ps. No lizards were harmed in the making of this post.

Day 51 -

Hello friends. I’m over this lockdown now. I want to speak to the manager.

- made a joke to Andrea that I need to socially distance from the fridge but forgot that sarcasm is a dialect that doesn’t translate into Italian and had to explain it to him because he started discussing other places we could put it

- he’s currently doing a photo shoot in the middle of the living room while I lay in sofa burrito mode. I’ve never seen anyone so absorbed in taking photographs of coke cans before - I ventured outside in bare feet again today, and a T-shirt. It’s 17 degrees. Andrea’s neighbor took one look at me, up and down, saw my feet and said “she doesn’t feel the cold then?” to a Andrea. WHY IS THIS SUCH AN ISSUE - highlight of the day: he came running, and I mean RUNNING to show me this kiwi. I’ll give you three guesses what’s so funny. Bye kids love you all

Day 50 -

I accidentally got my day wrong. Today is day 50. Wah. Anyway!

- went grocery shopping today. Also had to get “Scottish tape” - eh, it’s close enough, I’ll let him keep that

- his new favourite thing to do is ask me who actors are in films. This would be fun except he’s not picking obscure actors. As an example, yesterday he asked me who Ryan Gosling and then announced “but you know EVERYONE” - last night in bed he suddenly announced “I’ve figured out how to make my eye into a lens”. Yes, you heard me. So I asked him what he meant, and then he proceeded to give me an example of how if he looked at his finger, the tv behind was blurred (or bleeyired as he says it) and yet if he looked ahead to the tv, his finger became blurred. This went on for five mins before he announced “I think I’ve found something quite exciting” and I just don’t have the heart to tell him that well, I mean, that’s just eyes. That’s just how eyes work. And in fact there already is a a way to make an eye into a lens. It’s using the already existing “eye lens”. Someone HELP. - highlight: coming down stairs from the shower in bare feet to this 👇🏻 in the middle of the floor, no explanation. Perhaps he’s trying to teach me to wear shoes in the house, but in a very extreme way.

Day 49

So. The lockdown is not being lifted. Alas, they have just announced from May 3rd we will now be allowed out the house to go for walks. So basically we have been rewarded, and upgraded from Italian lockdown to UK lockdown. So if you hear anyone complaining about how ridiculous this lockdown is please point out that your highest lockdown is currently our “phase 2”. After eight weeks. I will admit, I cried.

- In other news, Andrea refers to sparkling water as frizzy water, no matter how many times I correct him and tell him it’s fizzy. I understand the Italian is frizzante so I see the link, but every time he says it it makes me laugh.

- Watched the movie Split, and there’s the bit where Kevin says “you’ve got a crumb on your shirt” and had a bit of a freak out, and Andrea said proudly “see its not just me”. Ok mate, you’re in good company there with a split personality psychotic murderer. Good one. - Highlight of the day: we didn’t make the bed yesterday, and when I came to bed Andrea yelled wait! And then made me wait while he MADE the bed, and then got in it. Why. Bye kids love you all

Day 48

Guys. Time to emotionally prepare yourself. As next week should be our last week in lockdown and we should be released. The end is nigh. For lockdown and these diaries.

- Saturday night is always pizza night here in the La Pira-Quarantina Household. Anyway, last night Andrea cut the first pizza with the roller and was making a strange amount of noise. When he moved onto the next, he was making such an amount of noise with exertion that I was forced to comment “baby you’re just cutting a pizza not cutting down a tree, why are you making that noise?” And he was OUTRAGED and replied “yeah I’m on the SECOND PIZZA though”

So there you have it. Lumberjacks let us know. According to Andrea cutting two pizzas is the same effort as cutting one tree. - Next debacle, I posted the photo challenge where you do a photo of you as a child then an adult. I’ve always had this joke that at some point in my childhood I was switched, because my appearance now bears no resemblance to me as a i child. Anyway, someone else commented on the photo saying something similar. That’s when Andrea decided to announce “I think you can tell it’s you. You’ve got that same shape chin. Like a brick” Aw. Thanks. Highlight of the day: After 8 months together, - Andrea suddenly telling me “I’ve never seen your ears” Ok. Bye kids, love you.

Day 47 -

- I make a weird trilling noise when I think something is cute, and I taught Andrea how to do it. I understand that I need to take responsibility for this. But now he won’t stop. Now I live with an Italian humming bird-dolphin-cat-man hybrid. I need this lockdown to end.

- I finally managed to find vegetables!!! So enjoyed some broccoli and tomatoes, with chicken baked with cheese and tomato last night for dinner. I was minding my own business and all of a sudden Andrea reached over, and of ALL the things to take off my plate, he tried to take a big chunk of melty cheese. 👀

- in unrelated news, if none of you see Andrea again, I don’t know what happened 👀👀👀 - we risked the wrath of sex dog today to go for a quick walk. There was no sex dog but there was a cat that Andrea decided could be his, and no amount of telling him no could convince him that he should leave the cat alone. The cat was not interested in belonging to Andrea however. It could obviously smell his desperation. - highlight of the day: wondering why Andrea kept calling the black cat a straw cat, until I realized he meant stray. Good times. Bye kids love you all.

Day 46 -

- Ok so first things first, as mentioned in a previous post, our bedroom gets irrationally dusty and I can’t figure out why. Maybe the air con. Anyway, last night in the corner there was some weird insect, like semi earwig kinda beetle. As you all know, we have had the moth debacle, and the spider incident, so I was unsure how this was going to go, but I yelled Andrea for back up. He came in and took one look and said “oh, no, awful” and then wandered off. And I was like umm baby you can’t leave it there please. And he literally said “I can’t do anything about that. It’s a creature born from the dust”

What. Does. That. Mean - Entered the bedroom earlier to find him stood staring at the door frame. From the side. Like pressed up to the wall like a nosy neighbor trying to listen to next door. Zero explanation and when I asked what he was doing all he responded was “looking”. Ok. - We are waiting to install a bath in the bathroom and he said when the bath is there we will need to set up an Alexa in the bathroom. I asked why. He said so we can do things from the bath. I said like what. He said “like switch the oven on”. Can’t say that’s a key need of mine when I’m in the bath but there we go. - Highlight of the day: suggesting (finally) that I need to maybe set up a proper tripod so I can film some videos and he suggested I could do it with the drone. Why can’t he be normal. Please stay in the house. Please don’t inject disinfectant. Please check on your loved ones, this is a lonely time now. Bye kids, love you all

Day 45

- Our lockdown is meant to be over in eleven days! What a life! What a dream! Who knows if it will happen! If not perhaps we could take to the streets in an uninformed, uneducated and widely ignorant protest because WE NEED MASSAGES and FREEDOM OVER SAFTEY BRO. Nah. Only idiots would do that right?

- Speaking of idiots. Andrea has discovered that he can switch just one bulb at a time on above us in the living room. Based on where we usually sit on the sofa, it means each of us essentially has our own spot light. He was very excited about this and brought me into the room earlier to show me, because it is (and I quote) “like being on a plane”

- today’s mission has been groceries (done) and toiletries. Andrea has taken my request for hair removal cream very seriously. It is within his benefit. He’s currently sharing a house with half woman half goat. Highlight of the day: yelling him to come and get a spider and him screeching while throwing a slipper at it. So sexy.

Day 44 -

Hello friends. Sorry I’m late. I’m tired and grumpy. And today was boring.

- So boring in fact that Andrea celebrated opening a new sponge for us to use to clean the kitchen. What a delight.

- He was on a website earlier and I asked him what he was doing, and he said “I’m looking how to do makeup. Makeup? Not makeup, I mean editing photos.” A Freudian slip? Who knows. - I’ve discovered a new weird thing Andrea believes to be true. He believes that eating sugar gives you an itchy butt. This cannot be a wives tale. This is just him being weird right - Highlight of the day. Being presented with the monstrosity below. What a lucky girl I am.

Day 43 -

- Right. First things first. We watched the first few episodes of the Michael Jordan documentary on Netflix last night. However, what this really meant is that I witnessed Andrea break into spontaneous sofa twerks and chest thrusts and fist pumps every time music played. Which as you can imagine, on a documentary about basketball, was a fair amount. It was like being in Space Jam. Andrea is a cartoon character.

- Last night at dinner we discussed different actors who haven’t won Oscars, and Andrea said that he thought actors who made a special effort to change their body for the film deserve recognition. I gave the example of Christian Bale in The Machinist but he looked at me blankly, and then he said “oh like that guy from interstellar, what’s his name?” I said Matthew McConaughey. He said “yeah like Matthew (Italian mumble attempt at McConaughey) in Coyote Ugly.

I swear I thought I was going to choke on my risotto as I said, what sorry? Coyote Ugly? And he said “Coyote Ugly, yeah, that film about AIDS” Dallas Buyers Club then. The untold story of Coyote Ugly - Highlight of the day: drank an espresso too quickly for his liking and was told “it’s not a shot Tessa”. Little does he know, I’m English, everything is a shot. Bye kids, love you all.

Day 42 -

- I live with a celebrity now. Andrea can’t believe there’s been more than 500 views on his makeup video. I won’t point out at least 100 of those views are him laughing at himself

- For those who know him, you’ll know he has a worry about losing his hair. Anyway today he suddenly picked up my hand and was like “oh no, what’s this, owwww” and making cry noises and he was holding my little gammy finger with a scar because I it cut off when I was small. So I thought maybe he hadn’t noticed before because usually I have acrylics on and they cover it. So I said “it’s where I cut the top of my finger off as a baby” and he said “no, LOOK, my poor hair” and picked a tiny hair off my hand. Rolled his eyes and said “god Tess it’s not all about you”. Okay then.

- Alright. Andrea is the worst dancer I’ve ever seen. When he dances, it makes me laugh so hard but also pretend not to know him. Even in the house. When it’s just us. Not only does he move around with his body at weird angles like a praying mantis on a bad acid trip, but he also has a dancing face. Where he bites his lip. If you’ve seen the UK office, Andrea and David Brent could have a dance off. ANYWAY, we don’t let this stop us having a good old dance in the kitchen when we feel like it. Today Drake came on. Hotline Bling. And suddenly Andrea realized he was doing the same moves as Drake and now has decided that maybe he can dance after all. you want to show him the memes or shall I? - Highlight of the day: I asked for the password to connect the printer to the WiFi and he said oh it’s “12345” then he paused for a solid five seconds while looking up and then said “678”. I can see how that would be difficult to remember. Bye kids. Love you all

Day 41 -

Hello! Sorry I’m late today. I’m making stew. I’m convinced it will be three hours spent cooking for something terrible, but let’s see. If you don’t hear from me at all tomorrow, it was a disaster and we are both poisoned.

Anyway! Happy Sunday! I cut the back on Andreas hair and his beard so now he doesn’t look homeless anymore.

Pure drama last night when I dared touch him with my cold feet. He told me that what I’m doing is harmful. I laughed, but then realized he was serious, so laughed even harder. Of course my feet are colder than normal and “like ice blocks” because I Insist on walking around in bare feet “like an animal”. Speaking of animals, introduced Andrea to the google AR animals and two tigers, a lion, a pug, an alligator and a leopard later, I regretted it massively. Highlight of the day: Click HERE (you are welcome)

Day 40 -

Hello friends. More parental advisory - no curse words, just reference to testicles. You’re welcome.

- Firstly, I complained yesterday that I was cold. Andrea told me I was cold because I wasn’t dressed, but I was in sweatpants and a T-shirt that I had slept in. When I pointed this out he said solemnly, “yes but you’re not wearing any underwear”. Can someone inform me of the scientific reasons that I would be warmer because I had a bra on? 🙄

- Spoke to my lovely Sam today. Big achievement, he admitted he was wrong and I was right after reacting in absolute horror when I ate a kiwi with the skin on while on video call. He was insistent I can’t do that and I’ll “choke on the fur” which seemed dramatic, I don’t know why all the important boys in my life are such drama. I’m obviously a sucker for the ridiculous. Anyway, he googled it afterwards and informed me it was safe to eat (I know) and in fact good for you (I know) because it retains more vitamin C and is lots of fibre (I know). Who knew (me, I knew). - While in bed, Andrea always pushes me out until I’m like hanging off the edge and I have to be like “hello MOVE”. Last night he legit tried to blame the mattress and said there was “obviously a steep inclination”. I’m steeply inclined to punch him in his face. - Highlight of the day: he has the worst habit of bouncing in bed at night and making me feel sea sick. Last night he did it like six times in a row until I asked him to stop and asked him WHY. Why why why why WHY are you bouncing around like a dog having a dream??? His answer “just trying to find a good place for my balls”. Brilliant. Goodnight kids, love you all.

Day 39 -

Today I am a sofa burrito. And I’m ok with that.

- We watched A Streetcat Called Bob last night. As this is a film about a recovering drug addict and a ginger cat called Bob he finds while living in the streets, you can imagine my surprise when Andrea announced “this story is like us. I’m Bob.” I’m still no clearer on his logic.

- On a side note my belly bar disappeared, probably given up against the strain of my ever growing quarantine weight (am I wearing sweat pants because I’m inside or because it’s all that fits me, who knows). ANYWAY I found another in the random box of my belongings I shipped here before flying. It is JAZZY. So jazzy that Andrea actually cracked up laughing when he saw it, and that’s not the first time he’s laughed at me while I’ve got undressed either. But imagine like the dress style of Britney Spears in the Slave for You video, but then take that style and put it on the mental breakdown Britney Spears that shaved her head, and you’ve got an exact image of me wearing my new belly bar. - Big cleaning day today (and every day) for Andrea. He washed the downstairs floors twice. Because, and I quote, “there are many drops of unknown substances”. What does he think goes on in this house? - Highlight of the day: Andrea checking the street out of the window before he ran, “in case that sex dog is there” Hope you’re all coping ok. It’s been a tough week. Stay indoors, it’ll get worse before it gets better (trust me, I’m speaking from the future) Bye kids, love you all

Day 38 -

Ok. So. Andrea is full of many old wives tales such as don’t sleep with wet hair because you’ll get a headache, and he blames the air conditioning for every ailment possible. But a personal favorite of his that he brings up time and time again is walking in bare feet. And today, I surfaced from the bedroom, still in my pjs and wandered into the kitchen in my bare feet. Bearing in mind, I’m in a house, in Sicily, walking on wooden floors. It’s hardly a concrete slab in Siberia. Anyway, he looks at me, looks down at my feet, and then looks me dead in the eyes and says “do you want to catch pneumonia?” Drama. - watching Interstellar last night (three hours of my life I’ll never get back) and I asked Andrea if he thought humans will ever live in space. He said yes, and I asked for what reasons would we ever live in space (like for example, we ruin the earth, we over populate, rich people want to live there, whatever). And he thought about it for a while and then said “like a human cloud. Like back up, when we mess up on earth with a human we will just take another one from the cloud”. Ok then. - highlight: he found a fly. Decided to use his new swatter. Please see below compilation.

Day 37 -

- Working on my business and posting videos and Andrea can’t cope with the fact that I don’t want a tripod and a backdrop. It’s killing him.

- He also made me take photos outside and he kept telling me to stand in different places around the garden but in a weird way - like ok, take two steps that way, now smile? Now stand a little but back and look over at the wall? Now stand at the wall and put your hand on the gate? It was then I realized he was attempting one of his weird compilation photos and I refused to take any more photos thus ruining his plan. If you don’t know what I mean, please see the “Christmas card” he sent to me below. This is what I live with people.

- We have an issue in the bedroom that it’s always super dusty super quick, like more than anywhere else in the house, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. Andrea claims its dusty because we sleep so much but is unable to explain his logic. - I appear to be in some strange time warp where I say something and then later Andrea repeats the same thing and I say I told you that and he says “yes” and we reset the conversation until he does the same thing later. This is a man thing right? Not just an Andrea thing? - Highlight of the day: I fell asleep leaning on him on the sofa, and when I woke up he was covering me in a blanket and putting a pillow (not Rosalita) beneath my head oh-so-gently. And I closed my eyes and he put his hand on my cheek and whispered “I think you broke my ribs you’re so heavy” So sweet. On that note, I’m out for another day. Fans of MUA Andrea don’t worry he will return soon. Fans of Rosalita may leave. Fans of me are welcome at all times. Bye kids, love you all.

Day 36 -

Quite the day today. I’ve had a makeover. But before I start with that...

- I asked Andrea if he would like to start meditating with me, and he asked what it would entail. I explained and then played a quick five minute guided meditation. After this he spent almost ten mins gasping for air because now he’s “thinking about breathing” he “can’t remember how to breathe”. How relaxing.

- Also very romantic, he was talking to me about the Vega Star last night and telling me how it’s so far away but will replace the polar star at some point in time. And then he said “so if I say love you more than the stars it really means something because that’s such a long distance, like more than you can imagine” and I was like oh my lord this is the nicest thing he has ever said to me. And then he gave me a cuddle and I was feeling all nice and loved and then he said “yeah Vincenzo told me that”.

Brilliant. Moving on.

- The moment you’ve been waiting for. You remember in previous posts how he claimed he could do my makeup like Michelle Visage yes? Well. He tried. Please see all photographs below. Michelle vs Me. He definitely has a new career as an MUA coming up. Firstly I’ve never feared for my makeup palettes the way I did when Andrea was pounding a brush into them. Secondly, when he brushed my cheekbone while doing my eyeshadow I knew something was going very wrong. I will be very interested In your thoughts.

- Highlight of the day: being told “I think it looks nice. I just need to get a ‘little better’ at the eyes”. A LITTLE BETTER. So as it is, he would like to practice, so I thought you can get involved. Feel free to comment below with photos or suggestions for the next eyeshadow look and he will pick his favourite and reproduce on my face.

Bye kids. Love you all.

Day 35 - 5 weeks of lockdown-

- Well, firstly let’s start with the obvious heartbreak I dealt with today when I opened what I thought was a giant Easter egg and discovered it was a standard Easter egg sat on a plastic cup. I am completely and utterly deceived and combined with the emotional trauma of Up from yesterday I’m not sure I will recover.

- I forgot to look for cordial in the supermarket and I asked Andrea last night if that’s a thing here in Italy. I explained it as “the strong juice that you put in a glass before the water, to make the water taste nice like black currant or apple and blackberry”. He said “yeah we have that”. And I said ok but do you have decent flavours, not just like elderflower or lemon. And he said yes we have really nice ones, like peach (ok, I thought, acceptable) and mint (mint?? Mint?? Who wants to drink toothpaste water??) and then he topped it off with, oh and we have almond.

Almond?! Let me tell you if I wanted a drink that was overly sweet and would make me sick and tasted like almond I would just drink amaretto. ALMOND FLAVOUR WATER. Italy, I am OUT. - Anyway, on top of the almond debacle, he then said “you made me spend 10 euros on vitamins you put in to Flavour your water and you haven’t used any”. And I was like did I? I don’t remember this. And then he showed me a tube of Berocca style tablets that he definitely only spent a maximum of 3 euros on but he has claimed that they have accrued interest over time. Who knew. - Highlight of the day: asking what he was looking at on amazon last night at 2am. His answer? “Flavoured candles”. They sound yummy. Wonder if they’re scented though. Bye kids love you all, hope you’ve had a great Easter.

Day 34 -

Happy Easter and Buon Pasquale everyone! Thankfully I’m antisocial and the thought of going out is not for me, so for once I’m not feeling the pain.

Now let me tell you that they do Easter RIGHT here in Italy and I have eaten almost one whole lasagne, some pastry thing with egg in it, squid, one giant chicken meatball, potatoes, cake and chocolate and it’s not even dinner time yet. What a LIFE.

However, much as I love the Italian cuisine I do miss the option to eat other things. To add to weird time limits on things, Andrea will eat seven courses at lunch time and then be happy with a piece of chicken in the evening...and has a weird aversion to eating pasta at night. Unless a first dish in a restaurant. It’s very difficult to keep up with. Anyway I was trying to maybe branch out and make some other things for him. Asked for noodles for stir fry. He got me spaghetti. Asked for rice for curry. He got me risotto. God FORBID I ask for some form of green vegetable. Pretty certain broccoli is an Italian word but whatevs. Side note, he decided to emotionally accost me with the film Up today. Little did he know I would cry into my lasagne for ten minutes and repeatedly announce how sad and horrible the film is, while at the same time refusing to switch it off because I was in too deep. I remained in a pit of despair for about one hour after the film, for which I blamed him wholly and absolutely and told him he had ruined Easter. The emotional onslaught was real. We watched the latest Ru Paul and I commented how amazing Michelle Visage’s eye makeup was and Andrea commented with absolute certainty “I could do yours like that for sure”. So we all know what Tess and Andrea are doing tomorrow. Highlight: while sleeping last night, just dozing off and he snuggles up and says “baby your side of the bed is so cold” and then gives me a little squeeze before saying “it’s cos you’re dead inside”. Oh. Goodnight then. Bye kids, sorry you’re missing a bank holiday! Love you all

Day 33 -

There’s a parental advisory on this post because my highlight was quite spectacular but only because of the way it was worded, so just be prepared for profanity.

First things first, last night I went for a shower and was attacked by a moth in the bathroom. I hate moths. I live in fear of the little dusty creatures, and this was a big one that was obviously attracted to the light reflecting off my pale moon face so flew right at me with its powdery wings of doom.

I screamed and Andrea yelled what?? And I yelled a moth! A moth! Come help! Only he didn’t know what a moth was, and it had disappeared, so when he asked “but what am I looking for” the only way I could explain in Italian was by calling it “farfalla di morte” which translates to butterfly of death - that’s pretty clear no? ANYWAY. Having discovered the moth, he then flailed around in the bathroom like one of those inflatable things you see in American car sales places, and eventually he declared the problem solved. Excellent, I thought and stepped back into the bathroom. Alas, by solved, he meant now semi-drowning in the shower I was meant to be standing in. So I requested further assistance. Five minutes later the issue was still not resolved and he declared the moth “immortal” and left. My Andrea, the protector. And highlight of the day: he came in from a run in the street (yes literally running up and down his street like a sad and ineffective bleep test) and I asked how it was. He said it was “all fine. A dog tried to fuck me three times” And that was that. Bye kids, love you all.

Day 32 -

So there’s rumours the lockdown in Italy will extend until May 3rd now. One full month past the original ending of April 3rd. I cannot say it enough UK - we have been completely locked down from March 9th and it’s miserable but it’s necessary. You need to stay at home. Report the people you see flouting the lockdown rules. They are ruining lives in more ways than one.

- speaking of miserable, let’s have some honesty here. Last night I had an absolute meltdown. Like top level, four year old just been told their birthday party is cancelled and their new pony died because it ate all the Easter eggs style melt down. Firstly I will say that Andrea handled this with impressive patience and care without judgement, especially considering at one point he was circling the room like a worried zoo keeper with his hands in the American Football position (you know what I mean) as I wailed on the bed. I’ll take this second to say I might take the mickey out of him almost 24/7 (it’s easy) but he is wonderful. Secondly, as I began to calm down but was still ugly crying, he said some nice things and I thought “yeah, ok, that makes sense” and then he said “that’s from a film” and between my tears I nodded, and after a couple of seconds he said “Rocky” and I nodded through my tears some more and then he said “Six” and honestly, if that isn’t commitment to referencing the source, I don’t know what is.

- That’s all the nice stories about him for today anyway because now I am going to raise a grave issue, and I’m sure there will be many ladies out there who feel my pain. I hate with a passion when he touches me with his feet. His horrible claws. His Dino-toes. And when they touch me I would give up all chances of a future just to punch him in his face. I hate his Dino-toes touching me. But to a point where I will actually scream when he does it. So of course, he does it. Does any one else suffer from the fear of Dino-toes? This is a serious thing. - he’s bought a kettle bell and referred to it as “the weight with the thing that you pick up” and I was supposed to immediately know what that was. Still no bike, still no telescope. Lord send HELP. - Highlight Of the day: Ho Pillow Rosalita was on the floor this morning and I stepped on her on the way to the bathroom. It’s the small things. Bye kids, love you all

Day 31

-I have been a walking disaster today. Firstly I walked into a wall and hurt my shoulder (Andrea’s solution - put the cream on it) Then I walked into the door and cut my arm (Andrea’s solution - put the cream on it). Then while changing the bed I hit my hand on the cabinet (guess what Andrea’s solution was)

-On a side note, his sister made an Easter pie which is spinach and egg and cheese, kinda like a quiche but in a pie and obviously it was amazing. Andrea wouldn’t eat any, he doesn’t like it and when I asked why he just said “it’s green”. -The time limit on drinks continues. Not only am I not allowed milk at 2am but apparently now I’m not allowed wine at 4:30pm and what kinda of DICTATORSHIP am I living under?? In my opinion wine is allowed any time after 11am, unless in an airport where all time is suspended and you can drink whenever. Yes? Agreement? Please let me know. -We have a thing where every night we tell eachother something we learned that day, but Andrea has taken this to the extreme and has started to both store and withhold information So today he said I watched a good TV show earlier and I said oh yeah? What about? And he wouldn’t tell me because I “have to wait” like some sorta disappointing cliffhanger. -Highlight of the day: I thought we had decided on an exercise bike but then he sent me another 75 links, all in Italian, none of which I can understand. I’m over it. Bye kids. Love you all

Day 30

- and so it is. One whole month of complete lockdown. Andrea and I have survived 30 days in eachothers company 24/7 and nobody has been tied up and locked in a cupboard (for a long period of time). - I know I’ve only got myself to blame for this one but I mentioned maybe buying an exercise bike so I can try to remain active doing an activity that doesn’t make me want to pull my own limbs off so I have a reason not to move...well as you can imagine, I’ve been provided with a half day presentation on the options, and still no clearer as to what we will get - We watched contagion last night. Andrea asked me at least seven times “when was this filmed again?” like I was lying about it. He is however also now in love with Schitts Creek and responds to almost everything I say with some version of “ugh”. So that’s fun. - Also side note, he can’t say plural, and before you think this me being a cowbag and thinking aw come on Tess English isn’t his first language - the Italian is plurale so it’s the same word in his language and he still can’t say it. - Highlight of the day: Almost all the way through the Marvel movies and I do really love Groot. Today Andrea told me Groot was Vin Diesel and then felt the need to clarify “just the voice. Vin Diesel isn’t a tree.” Oh ok. Thanks for that.

Bye kids, love you all.

Day 29

- Today is another horrible day. I don’t want to do anything, see anyone, speak to anyone. But I’m bored and lonely and agitated. There is no solution to my boredom because I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING. I see the irony. But that’s my quarantine reality today.

- Anyway for those asking, the one thing Andrea hates is apparently how I leave crumbles everywhere, including in the bed. Not crumbs, as I have corrected him many times, but crumbles. Worse than crumbs.

- Speaking of crumbling, my skin is literally falling off my face. Like I didn’t even realize how much time I spent in fresh air until my skin no longer gets it. And it’s impossible to tell a man why you cant just use hand cream on your face. Especially impossible to tell that to a man who believes his shaving cream is the cure to anything. Spot? Get the cream. Itchy skin? Get the cream. Cut yourself? Get the cream. Stomach ache? Eat the cream. - And as a wonderful link from that scaly skin topic, Andrea informed me last night that today he would spend some time “lizard hunting”. He informed me there is a lizard that is like gold here, and it has a blue tongue, and when he found one as a child it made his day, so he’s decided that’s what he’s going to do. Alas. It rained today. Andrea - The Italian Lizard Hunter has been postponed. - highlight of the day: finding out that instead of waiting for a plumber after all this is over, Andrea decided to plumb in our new bathroom sinks himself. And now I have hot water when I should have cold. Bye kids. Love you all.

Day 28

- Andrea came back from the supermarkets with some breadsticks that he said were really nice. Pft, I thought, a breadstick is a breadstick. Incorrect. These breadsticks are Crack cocaine breadsticks. I’ve actually had to ask him to hide them and when he was sleeping this morning I searched for them. Addiction is an ugly thing.

- Just before bed last night he asked if I wanted anything and I got a hankering for some cereal. So I asked for it. He stopped dead and asked me with absolute horror “with milk?!” I said well yeah, why. And he said “it’s 2am. You can’t have milk at 2am” He was unable to explain the logic behind this.

- also! While in bed, just about to fall asleep, he asks me “what do you hate about me?” And I thought oh god, I’ve broken him, all these posts have done psychological damage. So I gave him a cuddle and I said “baby I don’t hate anything about you” and he literally just gave my arm a squeeze and said “I hate one thing about you” Right, ok then. Highlight of the day: watching him try to figure out why his sunglasses steam up when he’s wearing a surgical mask. Hope you’re all loving life there in your living rooms because you sure as sh*t shouldn’t be out the house. Even the Queen thinks so. Bye kids, love you all.

Day 27

- He disappeared at midnight last night and then came back announcing “I took the moon”. Fear not friends, he left the moon where he found it, and was just taking photos and videos (and reminding me that this is why he needs a telescope).

These photos he proceeded to show me afterwards, making me watch a 30 second video repeatedly of the moon essentially just sliding across his screen, while pointing out the “holes”. The holes aka craters are just crateri in Italian, so you know, the same word. I imagine this is what parents feel like when their kids bring home another project from school and you have to pay attention because, you know, love. Ugh.

- Speaking of Italian, as you all know I’ve been taking lessons and my teacher says I need to practice, so Andrea and I will attempt to have conversations that usually involve me saying three words per minute and then him replying in Sicilian and me having no clue what’s going on. Anyway, last night I asked him (in Italian) “if we weren’t in lockdown, what would you usually do tomorrow for your mothers birthday?” Which isn’t a complex sentence I know, but was quite a lot of words that I spent some time crafting together. He replied with just one word: “ravioli” Right. That’s the end of that conversation then. - Prep for maybe TMI but I announced to a Andrea I needed the bathroom, and he said he did too and we will go together. There’s three bathrooms in the house so as a joke I said “yeah? I’ll use the toilet and you go on the bidet” And he looked at me strange and then said with 100% seriousness, “no, I’ll go upstairs. You do know you can’t poop in a bidet right?” I said “yeah Andrea I was kidding” and his response was “well I don’t know, you’ve never had a bidet before” - and the fact that he thought that maybe all the English believe they can poop in a bidet just because they don’t have one at home makes me laugh more than anything. So yeah. That’s my Sunday. Bye kids, love you all

Day 26

- This morning I asked for Andrea to put some music on for us to relax, you know, potter around, read, get some breakfast and listen to some ambient heavy drum and bass 🙄

- The vacuum obsession continues. I finished a particularly crumbly pastry and before I even had chance he VACUUMED ME. Also, wondering when he will figure out that sweeping the spiral staircase from downstairs to up isn’t going to work...the dust...falls...downwards...

- Also. Obviously you know he’s a massive green thumb with his one tulip and his inside orchid and his beloved avocado tree. Well one avocado tree grows much faster than the other. So after a lot of falling over and digging, he “transplanted” it (as per previous post). SO, I was happily minding my own business on my usual walk around the house...and I spotted this. He has, at some point while unsupervised, built this 👇🏻 He refers to it as an incubator. Highlight of the day: “Tess, come look at this beautiful sunset” (not mentioned - *on the screen of my drone remote* )

Day 25 - We have been living a life of night owls. What is this magical illusion that makes you feel like night hours are easier to deal with than day hours? We’ve been going to bed late and sleeping late, same amount of awake hours and yet being awake 8am - midnight seems much longer than being awake 11am-3am. Right? Or am I losing my mind? - Anyway at 3am last night, while I was reading, Andrea, who had been sleeping, suddenly announced into the darkness “I hate the chimney” And I thought haha what a weird dream he must be having. Until he then proceeded to spend five minutes making me listen for a non existent noise that the chimney was making. So he hates the chimney and I hate him (😜) - He’s watched another documentary today. This one focuses on tricks of the mind and eyes and perception etc. but after five minutes of watching he announced no no I don’t like my brain to do that, and switched it off. He doesn’t like his brain to do what? Perceive? Think? Rationalize? I can vouch for all three. - For lunch we had pasta with salmon. Except there wasn’t much salmon and when I asked him about it he firmly told me that he had “cut a lot of it off” because (and I quote) “it tasted like fish” - Highlight of the day: full face of makeup for me because I got new eyeshadow. I’m posting a photo because otherwise nobody sees it. Also today sucks and I’m struggling a lot. Not because of Andrea although you could be excused for thinking that 😂 Comment with a photo of yourself. With full makeup or just “isolation pretty” (copyright Dave Houghton). I don’t mind. Go! By kids, love you all.

Day 24

How’s lockdown going people? Did you drop kick your kids yet? Stopped doing Joe Wicks?

- While I was settling down for that sweet afternoon nap after a tough day of wandering aimlessly, foraging for snacks and confirming YES NETFLIX I AM STILL WATCHING, I advised Andrea to find something he wanted to watch, because I would read and snooze. In true romantic fashion I nestled into his chest and closed my eyes. And then it began. He discovered a program about a vet for exotic animals. And then he announced all the animals name in a loud, excited, “so cute I might die” voice. “Weeeee piggy”! “Owwwwwwww bird”. “Awwwww TURTLE”. Every time an animal came on screen. On a program about animals. So there was no nap.

- while watching the exotic animal program. Him: What’s that?? A prairie dog?? What’s a prairie dog? Tess. Tess what’s a prairie dog? Me: It’s one of those things there Andrea, that thing they just said Is a prairie dog Him: Are they sure? That’s a beaver I think. Me: Pretty certain it’s a prairie dog like they said. Him: I think it’s a beaver. (Watches for a few more seconds) Oh, look, that’s a prairie dog. - If he shows me one more telescope I’m going to Carole Baskin his ass. - highlight of the day: Watching him stand staring at the garbage schedule and then muttering under his breath “wait, is it the second of april again today?” Lord help me. Bye kids, love you all.

Day 23 -

Firstly, I was interviewed for a Florida radio show today because of these statuses. Tess and Andrea go viral? It’s on the cards. The link is here

In other news:

- We are still playing the co-op game on PS4 and it’s some stupid cooking game but none the less has become a staple activity to stop us from killing eachother, because we can yell abuse at one another while playing and it’s fine right, it’s ok, it’s just for fun, it’s just a game, oh god I hate the way you breathe so loud, hahaha just a game, ANYWAY, I have never experienced such a lack of cooperation during a cooperative game. He fell off the same platform so many times I nearly cried. - Yesterday I made some chicken stuffed with melty cheese (I don’t know the name but you get me) and tomatoes. Anyway the cheese that melted out burnt in the pan, and I’m not gonna lie to you, I ate every bit of that charred dairy dream. Now here’s the thing, Andrea behaved as if I had somehow suggested eating small children for fun, but seeing as he would eat a stone if it had Nutella on it I don’t think he’s one to judge. Is it weird? Are there fellow burnt cheese lovers out there??? Burnt anything actually. Toast. Pasta. Pizza. I’m all about it. - Speaking of eating, if Andrea eats practically an entire loaf of bread before his dinner and refers to it as an aperitivo one more time I’m going to lose my mind - highlight of the day: him complaining his feet were cold, standing up and then disappearing. I assumed he went for socks. Maybe slippers. No. As per photo, he sat like this for the next hour. Anyway. Let’s be clear, this virus is now actually affecting people I know, my best friend’s brother, a friend’s father, another friend’s grandparents - please don’t go out, I get it, I would literally pay to be able to wander in fresh air for an hour now, but it isn’t necessary. Go in your garden. Get your vitamin D. Exercise outside if you want. But please don’t keep putting people at risk popping to the shop, sitting in the park, taking your dog for its sixtieth walk that day, because you don’t think it’s that bad. It is happening, and it’s happening more than you think. Bye kids. Love you all. Ps. hi Helen.

Day 22

- firstly, it is solemn news as I inform you that I had to throw away some cheese yesterday. While this was an unprecedented event, and one I have lived life entirely underprepared for, it was just one slice of cheese that I didn’t want to eat (friends and family don’t panic, I had already eaten the equivalent of a large dairy cow). Alas, the trauma of me throwing away a piece of cheese that Andrea ALSO did not want to eat did prove too much for him and he didn’t speak to me for an hour afterwards. All in all, for me a great success, and I’m now looking for other things to throw away to provoke his silence. His sweet sweet silence.

- I made the mistake of mentioning I wanted to film some videos for my new business and I’ll need to prepare. For me this means, charge my iPad, wander about finding some flattering(ish) light and actually put some makeup on. What Andrea heard was that I required a full at home film set with lighting cubes and camera set up on tripod in the office, which I outright refused to use. The disappointment was real.

- Tough times for Andrea as he asked me “are we still on March 31st? I thought it was April 2nd”. A real shame as April 3rd was when we were due to be locked down until but they’ve extended us til April 12th. Good news for you guys as that’s like an extended ending of your favorite film right?? More Tess and Andrea???

- I need someone to explain to me the mystery of the accappatoio. For the English speakers this is a toweling robe. Like a little dressing gown made of towel with a hood?? To my recollection, all UK citizens at the age of 4 years old become officially TOO OLD For this and instead start to use towels. Actual towels. Made for humans not babies. Here however Andrea is insistent it’s perfectly normal to use these as an adult and has acquired two, so we have one each. Please let me know if any of you as a fully grown adult use one of these items. I think it’s just an Italian thing but I’m unsure how much of Andrea’s weird behavior I write off as being Italian. I’m probably doing the country a great disservice. Spoiler alert. I love the accappatoio.

- highlight of the day: rocking the Corona-chic look below to go to sit outside the market. What a life!!!

- In all seriousness, to be three weeks into a complete lockdown (no businesses operating, no exercise outside, no going for walks) and think it’s ending in three days, only to find out its going on for another two weeks is pretty painful. Firstly please follow the instructions you’re given at home, the longer people don’t comply, the longer this will go on for. Italy is losing 800 people a day to this virus, even after these strict measures. And finally, do check on eachother, especially those you know are alone, or trapped in the house with their Italian boyfriend. Thanks to Emily Bedwell for the call today and a special shout out to Kate Somerset Holmes’ Mum who is apparently my newest fan.

Bye kids. Love you all.

Day 21 - So. Today he has asked Alexa for the weather three times even though he could just look out the window. I am actually bordering on murder. - Watching the Italian news and I was very confused about their new approach - female sanitary products for everyone. As you all know my Italian is not the greatest but I’m learning. So I asked Andrea to explain to me why, what’s the presenter saying, are those people making tampons with the string (please see attached photo). But what will tampons do to help coronavirus? He laughed for ages which I think was quite rude because I NEVER laugh at him or poke fun at him in anyway at all EVER and I challenge you to find a time that I have 😒 Anyway, turns out “tamponi per tutti” actually means “tests for everyone”. I will admit that makes more sense. - boredom levels have reached an all time peak as Andrea takes photos of the bathroom he built. Ikea Italia if you’re looking for new creative input, he’s your man. - We’ve still not settled on a telescope. Pray for me as this is my second day in a row of constant commentary while he decides which he wants. - Highlight of the day: trying to do that “ask your boyfriend quiz” and when asked for three words to describe me he said “beautiful” (aww), “kind” (questionable but still awwwww) and then “tall”. Ok. Ran out of nice things then. Bye. Love you all.

Day 20

- Tomorrow is three weeks of being in complete lockdown and I have developed a new obsession with checking people In Englands photos and then deeming whether I think it was WORTHY of them going outside. I will say 99% of them are a no. Of that 99% approximately half is based upon pure jealousy that some of you have been somewhere that isn’t your garden or your living room in three weeks. The other half are just idiots - the longer you don’t comply, the longer you’ll be forced to live like this, ya get me?

- In other news - Andrea has decided he wants a telescope. It has been 24 hours of him showing me telescopes online and me saying “mhmm” which in English translates directly as “I don’t care” but apparently in Italian translates as “amazing! Show me more of the same please!!” Fantastic. - I have been bitten by an insect on my knee cap and in WHAT CRUEL WORLD does this happen when I can’t even go outside? - highlight of the day: learning that Andrea loves the Nightmare Before Christmas with a passion that cannot be put in words but was successfully captured on camera if you click HERE case you’re wondering, the high pitched sound at the end is him, not a small piglet being sacrificed. - ps. Our living room looks like a brothel because he is obsessed with coloured LED lights than you can change. I live in a 80s discotheque. And I’m trapped here.

Day 19

- Not much to report I’m afraid as I still have headache (yes I promise I have drunk water). We did a little housework today, we changed the bed, we mopped the floors, we did laundry, and Andrea “undusted” (because that’s what his Italian mind wants to call it - and I can’t really argue with the logic, removing dust aka undusting), and now we have a nice clean house for him to continue to vacuum obsessively for no reason - is this a thing for anyone else? Is it because it’s a machine so it feels manly??

- in other news he went to the supermarket alone as we are only allowed in one at a time so no point sending me as the only words I confidently speak in Italian are “formaggio”, “vino” and bad words (makes for a fantastic Friday night but not great for the long term). One of the things I asked him to get was some frozen foods we can keep in storage so we don’t have to keep going out for fresh meat. You know, like chicken breast, mince meat, maybe some frozen breaded fish or chicken etc. Anyhow, Andrea brought back a selection of sausage rolls and party mix. Please see below. Not quite what I had in mind. - special featured guest in the Coronadiaries today as Jenny messaged me asking (and I quote) “im going to sound super old but what is tik tok? It looks like videos of people just dicking around” - highlight of the day: Discovering that Lady and The Tramp (or Lily e il Vagabondo) is described as “the cute little cocker dog and the friendly little bastard” in Italian. Sounds sweet. Enjoy StayIn Saturday UK - I would kill someone for Chinese takeaway now. Also if you need Netflix recommendations then please watch Tiger King. Carole definitely killed her husband. Bye kids, love you.

Day 18

- I’ve been bed ridden with the worst headache known to mankind. Obviously this was the signal for Andrea to roam free in the house. What will a man do when completely unbound by the tethers of his girlfriend? Vacuum, vacuum everything, every surface EVERYWHERE while singing the incorrect lyrics to every song he can think of. Starting to think living 24/7 with him is the headache.

- speaking of 24/7, and my close friends can vouch for this, I do think we have been doing well considering that I am not a 24/7 girl. I’m like a 6/5 girl at the best of times. I cannot cope with being around people, even ones that I love, for such long periods of time. Im a happy alone person. I have a social battery that once depleted needs quite some time to recharge. And I’m all or nothing, give me ALL THE ATTENTION and then LEAVE ME ALONE. I want to sit in silence, I want to read without hearing someone BREATHE, I want to wash my hair without wondering why I can hear so much BANGING, I want to watch Ru Paul without explaining a TUCK, I want to leave a room without having to say WHY, and so actually all things considered, Andrea still breathing is quite the achievement for us both (unless I’m trying to read and then WHY ARE YOU BREATHING LIKE THAT)

- highlight of the day: Andrea discovered a new show called “How dogs get their shapes”. He watched two episodes and then paused midway through, looked me dead in the eye and said “what’s a shape?” You all still breathing too UK? Remember, some people are completely alone in this crisis which is a horrendous way to spend weeks at a time, so if you’re not, take a deep breath, count your blessings, and remember murder is illegal. Even when your child is super annoying. Love you all.

Day 17

- It very rarely rains here in Pozzallo. So you can imagine my surprise when Andrea unpacked an Amazon package a few weeks ago and showed me with gusto his brand new rain gauge. NOW imagine my surprise when I heard that yesterday he didn’t use it on the first day it’s rained in quite some time (like the first day it’s rained all month) because “he didn’t want to get it wet yet”. I need, and I mean NEED someone to get me out of here.

- He’s signed us up for Disney+ which sounds great but just means I’ve watched him cry at Iron Man dying too many times already. And he won’t watch Little Mermaid because “the octopus scares him”.

- He has a new lady in his life. Adding to the list of Guilia, Dronie, Alexa, Tess and that TRAMPY Rosalita, he now speaks to the orchid by our front door with love, care and tenderness I rarely hear. Quite the romantic green thumb. - Highlight of the day: Andrea falling over several times trying to use the shovel while “transplanting” the avocado tree. Get it UK, you’re doing so good, halfway through your first week so if you’ve not eaten all your quarantine snacks you have completed mission one.

Day 16 - Im currently binge watching Ru Pauls All Stars. Andrea doesn’t understand what’s going on. His (many) questions have included - is she a man? Is SHE a man? Shes not a man is she? What about her? Do they have real boobs? What’s a lip sync? How do they know how to do that? What’s a tuck? They tuck what? They tuck it where??? She isn’t a man though right? Amazingly, he was also very confused when he gave the feedback “well she’s not very good” and I had to point out that he was talking about one of the male, non-trans judges. - he also keeps trying to get me to watch Anime cartoons by insisting “the story is good”. Is this a thing? I feel like he’s trying to ease me into something weird. Is it kinky? Its a worry that’s for sure. - Did you know that the song Dance Monkey is 3 minutes 29 seconds long, which means if you are Andrea you can play it 411 times in one day. Fantastic. - highlight of the day: watching Andrea stare in sadness at a patch of soil that once held his one tulip that he grew. The tulip has gone because it was (and I quote) “cracked by the wind”. When I questioned this, he elaborated “decapitated”. Plus note, the avocado tree is still standing strong. God forbid that goes down, I think we will have to actually hold a funeral. You still holding on UK? Remember, one hour for exercise doesn’t include a jog to your mates house. Otherwise you’ll end up like us. No outside time. None, niente, zero. Be good, don’t be stupid. We love you.

Day 15

- I’ve established I’m in a relationship with a monster. You know when people say when you spend a lot of time with someone you see their true self? Well, and bear with me here because I know you’re all gonna be horrified. Andrea relaxes in the house - in his JEANS and TRAINERS. Now I’m not saying we have to stay in pyjamas but let me be clear, when I wake up I change from my sleeping pants to my lounging pants or perhaps if I am feeling formal, a legging. ONLY if I am going outside do I change into jeans. But this MONSTER I am trapped with literally wakes up in the morning and is like oh yeah denim time. AND. He can nap in them. So you tell me that he isn’t a psychopath.

- horrifying times here in the La Pira household as Andrea solemnly informed me we have almost run out of coffee. I checked. We have at least 10 capsules. So enough for him to survive another 12 hours based on current consumption. - Highlight of the day - Andrea asking if we need more “house paper”. Or, as the English call it, kitchen roll. Congrats on staying inside today UK. Chin up.

Day 14

If we were in the UK we would be released from quarantine prison now. But we would have nothing to eat and wouldn’t have toilet roll, so silver linings! At least Two more weeks to go. But in the meantime:

- Every day Andrea announces he is going to gather wood for the fire. Wow you might think. How manly. How lucky Tess is to have a man who provides like this. A hunter gatherer. Unfortunately all he does is just bring pieces one by one from where he already stored it in the garage like some sort of Italian beaver/squirrel hybrid creature. - Speaking of creatures, it is with regret I inform you that today, I began my transformation back into my true form. Like Cinderella at midnight, the time has come for me too. I have lost an acrylic. I cannot see through the foliage of my eyebrows. There are no beauticians or waxing facilities here right now (ya get me ladies). Soon, my icy blonde hair will develop an odd condition sometimes known by the masses as “disgusting roots”, and I shall eventually morph into my original monster state, and likely eat Andrea, both alive and whole. Should this happen, please don’t judge. Its been a tough quarantine so far. If you don’t believe me, please refer to my previous posts. Cereal in coffee people. - On a side note, the highlight of the day was Andrea watching a THREE MINUTE video of a cat knocking down dominos. As a result it meant I watched a THREE MINUTE live version of an Italian man watching a cat knocking down dominos. Unsure who is the greater loser. - We went to the supermarket. Only one of us was allowed in. Tough call - Tess who doesn’t have Italian language skills. Andrea who doesn’t have common sense skills. We both got wine. Win win. Stay safe kids.

Day 13.

- I’ve finally got to admit I’m not number one in Andreas life. I always knew I was competing with Giulia (the car) and Dronie (the drone duh) but now also unexpectedly I compete every night with a pillow I have named Rosalita and I have developed a genuine hatred for this pillow because he hugs it all night and I’m like but what does this pillow have that I don’t have? Just like the pillow, I’m plump. Just like the pillow I am a little furry. Just like the pillow its questionable when I was last washed. Why doesn’t he love me like this pillow?

- Anyway I digress, because he also now spends more time talking to Alexa than he does to me. So that’s where I’m at. Rosalita and Alexa. And then me. - Watched CrossFit games while devouring Pringle’s. Balance. - Andrea has asked Alexa for the weather every day. I don’t know why. We can’t leave the house. Ps. My hatred for Rosalita is so strong that sometimes when he isn’t there I punch her. Pps. This hatred for Rosalita has always been present but is somewhat intensified by the fact that I’m losing my mind in quarantine. Ppps. Highlight of the day: punching Rosalita Pppps. Why not tell me your irrational hatred for an inanimate object. I know you have one. Ppppps. I’m sticking to humour, but today has been very difficult. Very. Check on your loved ones. Love you all. Especially you Andrea 💙

Day 12

- Current Observations - noticed several Interesting similarities between Andrea and dogs: asks where I’m going when I leave the room. Says hi when I come back. Sits annoyingly close to me. Looks out window regularly and points out when sees people. Watches the fire like it is TV. Loud when eating. Unsure If house trained. Quite hairy but also cute.

- Highlight of the day - watching Andrea stalk a mosquito with the hand held Dyson. 7pm. Mosquito remains free. I am jealous of its unbound freedom.

- had my third Italian lesson. Poor teacher keeps trying to ask what I’ve done today. “Io resto a casa. Mi mangio tutto. Io dormo.” And tomorrow? “Io resto a casa. Mi mangio tutto. Io dormo” - some questions have arisen during my time in isolation. Why can’t people spell the word definitely? Does Cardi-B always sound like that? Do you think the Queen wears her crown indoors? Is Boris wearing a wig? Is it ok not to get dressed if you’re not leaving the house? How will anyone know I’m exercising if I can’t tag in at the gym? Should Andrea and I try to learn the oh na na dance? Accepting all answers. Peace out UK. I’m with you at this tough time. Saturday night and no pubs. It’s ok. You can do it.

Day 11

- We finished building part of the bathroom. And by we I mean he. I was emotional support. My conclusion based on his behaviours with power tools and ladders is that it is a worry his next level at work is Safety Officer. Good luck Carnival.

- highlight of the day: washed my hair and straightened it. Will anyone see it? No. Did it kill an hour of my life? Yes.

- Andrea flew the drone to try to see his friend. He couldn’t. Creepy? Answers on a postcard. Send us love, we send it back, stay safe.

Day 10

- Nessun Dorma played on repeat for twenty minutes this morning. Andrea suggests listening to more classical music but only know this and Barcelona. Its a work in progress.

- Grocery shop on the to do list. Got the essentials. Nutella and Red Wine.

- Highlight of the day: staring contest with the German Shepherd next door. Dog won. Unfair contest as the sun was quite bright. Updates to follow

Day 9 - big day today. Bin day. We took it in turns to be on watch for the bin men so we can see another human. Unfortunately after a busy week of doing nothing, Andrea got the days wrong. Several hours wasted at the window. Cardboard still on the street. - Andrea asked me if I wanted some cereal and coffee. I said yes. Little did I know he would bring me the monstrosity photographed. That’s right. For those of you wondering yes that IS cereal and coffee in the same bowl. Updates to follow.

Day 8 (feels like 6000) of lockdown. - Andrea suggested baking a cake, meaning i was forced to bake a cake so he could eat it. - The house has been cleaned 72 times today - We made a video of us playing musical instruments in different rooms of the house to emulate the viral videos of people on balconies. - We downloaded a co-op game to play on PS4. This created the unique challenge of remaining cooperative when Andrea clearly has some sort of malfunction in his thumbs and does nothing correctly. - Yesterday we got a delivery, and I built a coat stand. Highlight of my day. - Scheduled naps have become inherent to our survival, both as Individuals and as a couple. - An ongoing study has shown that no matter how many espressos Andrea drinks, he will always take another. This does not make him less annoying in close proximity.

More findings to follow.

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